Say yes to affection and boundaries no to reprimand.

      (A speech by Mrs Kiki Tzortzakaki, a Family Counselor, reproduced by Mrs Stavroti Skalidaki).

 

YES TO AFFECTION

Where do parents go wrong? Let us start at the beginning with the birth of our first child. When a newborn enters a family the parents feel an immense fear of responsibility, a very heavy load which then becomes a domino of mistakes that lead to children’s disobedience, irresponsibility and behavioral problems.

            For us to untangle the mystery of these behavioral patterns we must go back in time.  A baby gets unconditional, endless love and affection from the parent up until the child goes to the first grade of primary school. At the age of 6 the child enters a new phase where the stress of the new school responsibilities drives the parent’s affection away –gone with the wind- making the child toughen up, adopting an awful, rejective behavior.

            But this is the first mistake a parent makes. What a parent doesn’t understand is that the subconscious mind needs to be filled with affection, a vast pool of it, in which the child can dip in and draw from, in future relations with friends, partners, and their own children later in life.

            Using kindness and care towards those who are around us is our passport for a happy fulfilling life. A parent shouldn’t be thinking of changing their children but of transforming themselves.

            A thumb rule is never to fight early in the morning or late in the evening with your children. Having a fulfilling life depends on your behavior. But this affection recipe is not foolproof. There is always a catch. How much affection should you show?

            Too much affection creates children –tyrants. The most difficult thing is learning how to love and care for your children in moderation since people are made to live in moderation.

YES TO BOUNDARIES

So how can a parent set boundaries? How can a parent be released from the fear of losing their child’s love?

            Setting boundaries causes the exact opposite as has been proven by research. A child feels that those boundaries show the parent’s attentiveness and protection.

            According to recent research conducted in England with teenagers displaying criminal behavior, it was discovered that when a parent is submissive and doesn’t impose boundaries for fear of rejection, then the teenager receives this behavior as neglect and abandonment by their parent.

             What should a parent do to impose their will? Definitely not by shouting at their child. The lower one keeps their tone of voice the more convincing they sound.

            Parents must remember that bringing up children means preventing situations not curing them. Parents cannot live with feelings of guilt just because they have decided to set boundaries. Their child will not suffer from any emotional shock or neurosis. These are the result of humiliation or the use of profanities to belittle a child.

            If a parent shows that their will is stronger than that of their child’s,   then the child will be safe and sound knowing they can rely on an adult.

           

 NO TO REPRIMAND

How common is this scene? A child falls and gets hurt, but instead of consoling them, the parent hits them…!

            This happens because the parent imagines the worst possible scenario of injury and by hitting them they release their tension.

            Scolding children forces them to shut down and become distant, uncommunicative.

            A tip is to always bear in mind that by shouting and tongue-lashing a parent can drive their child away. If a parent wants to be affective in their punishment they can use words once. If the child refuses to conform, then the parent can use their body language by forcing the child to conform, without hitting them. Mutual respect is all that is necessary.

            Children should be taught first and foremost that they have our unconditional love and affection which is not related to their success or failure in school subjects. Every child should learn to become a useful member of our society and of course a happy one!!